You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
