I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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