i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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