my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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