she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
