quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
