If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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