I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
