Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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