Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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