Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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