Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
