Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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