i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
