meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
