dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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