What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
