Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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