Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
