If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
