I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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