I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
