I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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