A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
we're so committed to being not committed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
