Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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