I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
