wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
