tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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