honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
