4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
