i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
