Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize