literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
