Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
