I think I won the penis lottery.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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