I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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