we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
