i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't turn off my feet"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
