Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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