it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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