I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
