Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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