i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
