hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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