best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
