guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
