i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
