1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize