he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
