Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
