I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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