make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize