I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And then he peed in my hair
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