this boner is exhausting
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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