So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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