His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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