thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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