I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
